You know what makes me feel extremely nervous?  It’s the prospect of a friend, perhaps in from out of town for the weekend, who asks to borrow your towel to take a shower. As has been previously discussed on this blog, times are tough in our current economic predicament, and basic household essentials, like towels, have become a prized yet limited resource.  Ladies may not suffer from such paranoid hysteria, as your bodies are typically way less hairy and do not require such extensive drying off. Have you ever seen a guy dry himself off after taking a shower? Depending on the body-hair to skin ratio, the process may take up to 15 minutes. I’ve seen it before… and trust me, it can be revolting.  So, guys… if you’re planning on crashing at my pad anytime soon, be sure to bring your own towel. If you don’t, you’ll be a Buddy who is not only Done Here, but also soaking wet.

Walking the thin line between generic hipster and San Francisco archetype, this guy, with his cut-off brim, is clearly Done Here, Buddy.

The guy sporting the cut-off brim on his cap looks to the ground to answer this fundamental question: Am I Done Here, Buddy? Photo: Hardly Strictly Bluegrass, San Francisco, CA, October 2009.

During the last three weeks of August, I was temporarily employed as a summer camp counselor at Kid’s Outdoor Club in San Francisco. While there are no doubt multiple perks to working at a summer camp–eating PB & Js while the campers aren’t looking, meeting and greeting cute moms during pick-up and drop-off etc.– those that have worked in summer camps know that there is nothing better than stockpiling on left-over Lost & Found items. The item I acquired, and which will serve as the subject for today’s post, is the metallic water bottle. This product represents a more healthy and environmentally sustainable to the conventional Nalgene, argue some environmentalists: http://www.eartheasy.com/article_nalgene_bottles.html

Yet, a recent sip from a KLEEN KANTEEN I acquired from the aforementioned Lost & Found left me pondering how Done Here, Buddy these so called “better options” actually are. Milliseconds after taking my first sip from the newly acquired metal water bottle, I couldn’t help but notice a horrible metallic aftertaste. Unacceptable! I was hoping for the taste of natural H2O, not a science project gone Done Here, Buddy.

The metallic water bottle seconds away from getting canned.

Personal experience is one thing that I really try to incorporate in You’re Done Here, Buddy. That said, this past weekend I was reminded of a buddy, whose propensity for cock-blocking, plagiarism and blowing up of proverbial spots, are well deserving of this week’s first post. Last Friday night, I attended a house party in Oakland, CA whose theme was “Bad Ideas.” The way in which the partygoers expressed this theme varied in both appearance and philosophy. Nonetheless, I took particular notice of a girl whose shoes I found to be rather compelling–a pair of Nike high-tops.  Soon after noticing her shoes, I mentioned to my brother, Ross, how fly I thought they were. Initially unimpressed by the shoes, my brother responded with a searing retort, classic in both its delivery and content: “Not that tight.”

Given how similar each pair is, I find it interesting that my brother originally chose to disparage the young lady's shoes.

After momentarily turning my attention to a woman offering me a shot of brown Taiwanese liquor, I regained my focus and noticed that my brother was now engaged with the very girl whose shoes I originally complimented. I discretely moseyed past the two newly acquainted partygoers only to discover that my brother, with shit eater in tact, was complimenting the very same shoes he minutes before proclaimed as being “Not that tight.” I felt both saddened and hurt. How could my brother betray me in such a way? His vacillating tactics need to be called out for their doneness. Ross: You’re Done Here, Buddy.

It is now clear that my brother's scheme was both malicious and well-calculated. His only intention was to loot the goods all for himself.

Here’s a little something to think about as you head out and return home this weekend.

An efficient cooling system:  中国 . 北京 . 天安门

As the dog-days of summer draw to a close, let us turn our attention to a buddy, who, while definitely done here, also inspires curiosity and wonderment.  I am referring to the buddy that wears a winter coat when the weather simply does not call for such an article. Having spent two years living, studying and working in the “Middle Kingdom,” I am more than familiar with the Chinese idea that sweating is the body’s natural cooling system. Chinese people have cultivated an imperviousness to heat, exemplified by summertime customs of drinking blistering hot tea & water and wearing long-sleeved shirts & pants. While the Chinese may define a sweaty ball-sack as the measurement by which sufficient cooling has taken place, it is difficult to understand how these customs  have infiltrated the American psyche.

I mean, when was the last time you actually took one?

If, like Charlie Meredith, you answered “this morning”, then you are officially done here, buddy.

This guy, just seconds away from being totally done here, takes his bong hit with cookies and CREAM.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that has attended a “jam band” concert that the majority of these concert goers are perpetually done here. You may have been offered a wide range of illicit substances by the aging hippie who refuses to believe that  Billy Nershi is not Jerry Garcia. Or, you may have connected with a sparkling blue eyed brunette, only to discover that she recently ingested half an eighth of mushrooms and “thinks your energy is really vibrant.” These buddies, while definitely done here, can’t be faulted for giving into the power of something greater than themselves. Let us take note of the buddy who represents the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  I present: the “setlist recorder.” Now, the “setlist recorder” has a Vishnu like quality of manifesting itself in different physical appearances at different points in time (i.e. my near and dear friend Ben Jacobs circa ’99). Nevertheless, there is one  specific attribute  possessed by the “setlist recorder” that certifies his being done here. He or she actually brings an illuminated pen and pad of paper to the concert for which the setlist can be recorded. Given the fact that setlists are readily available on the internet the day after a concert is performed, there is no reason whatsoever  to perform such an act. While I definitely appreciate Julia of the Helping Phriendly Book informing me that Trey pissed his pants during the 35 minute “Silent Jam” at Tinley Park, IL 2001, there is really no place for such behavior in today’s technologically oriented world.

This Guy Is So Done Here, Buddy

The next time that you prepare to go to a PHISH concert and think about grabbing that pen and pad, please remember that: You’re Done Here, Buddy.

Allow us to turn our attention to Taylor Swift, the inaugural buddy who is done here. You may have seen Kanye West interrupt Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at this year’s  2009 MTV Video Music Awards. Why are people giving Kanye such a hard time?  Even President Obama called him a “jack ass.” Kanye was simply stating the obvious. Besides, it’s pretty clear that Swift’s video is about as ground-breaking as a high school student playing “twinkle twinkle little star” at a talent show. Taylor Swift: You’re Done Here, Buddy!