Previously beloved by Chicagoans and baseball fans around the globe for blowing kisses and his perpetual crushing of Dong, Sammy Sosa once again finds himself embittered in turmoil. It’s no doubt that, once a pro athlete’s career comes to an end, he or she longs to reclaim their place in the limelight. Once regarded as infallible demagogues, retired athletes often wither away as forgotten memories of the past.   Yet, not even this die-hard sports fan could have imagined that Sosa’s cry for help would become this desperate, this Done Here, Buddy:

When questioned if he was trying to impersonate the late Michael Jackson, Sosa quickly shot down the notion, suggesting that it’s “a bleaching cream that I apply before going to bed and whitens my skin some.” Whoa, Sammy. It looks like the cream has whitened your skin more than “some.” Time to put the cream back in the cupboard, Sammy…deep in the cupboard.

With the domestic unemployment rate hovering around 9%, it is safe to say that the prospect of becoming employed is pretty much Done Here, Buddy. As millions across the country apply for a small number of available positions, increased emphasis has been placed on a candidate’s resume and cover letter.  Today, then, we shall direct our attention to how Sweater Guy would script his dream job cover letter. The following is an example I recently submitted to the Chicago Bulls:

SWEATER GUY

Oakland, CA 94609 . sweaterguy@doneherebuddy.com . 1-800-SWEATER

___________________________________________________________________________________

Chicago Bulls

Attn: Human Resources Department

1901 W. Madison St.

Chicago, IL 60612

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to introduce myself and apply for the Head Coaching position with the Chicago Bulls. I have no previous experience coaching at the professional level. In addition, I have zero previous experience coaching basketball of any kind. I did, however, score 29 points in a Seventh grade basketball game. It may be worth mentioning that I learned about this opening from Bill Swerski, who is a long time family friend.

I am fluent in written and spoken Mandarin Chinese and Spanish. Having worked as the Training Specialist at the Westin Beijing Financial Street, I have a proven track record of designing game-time strategies whose sole purpose is total domination of everything. While I may not be able to teach the starting five the intricacies of the motion offense, I can guarantee that all bench players will be conversational in Mandarin Chinese by the All Star Break. In addition, I was twice selected as an All-Conference soccer player and voted by my teammates to be captain of the Varsity Soccer team at the Francis W. Parker School.  These experience have provided me with the adequate leadership skills to take the Chicago Bulls to the “next level.”

To schedule an interview, please contact my business manager, Goldstone, on Thursdays and Sundays between the hours of 8:00am – 8:15am EST. Please know that I appreciate the Chicago Bulls considering me as a candidate for this position, and I look forward to receiving your reply during stated business hours. If, for any reason, you should contact me outside the allotted time period, I will be forced to terminate my application with the Chicago Bulls.

Best regards,

Sweater Guy

Anyone who watched this Sunday’s Chicago Bears blowout defeat to the Cincinnati Bengals knew this post was coming. The Chicago Bears secondary ONCE AGAIN looked awful. What the hell, Chicago? Carson Palmer carved you guys up quicker than John Madden gobbles down Thanksgiving turkey. 31-3 at the half. Just terrible. The Bears secondary once again looked strategically outmatched and physically inferior to a Bengals offense that dominated the Bears in every facet of the game. The reasons why this years secondary sucks will no doubt be debated from Howard & Western to 95th / Dan Ryan, but, its consistent aptitude to blow assignments and regularly leave Chad Ochocinco wide open represent problems that speak more to the Bears defensive strategy than it does the team’s personnel. It’s no secret that the bears are most vulnerable in the cushion between linebacker and safety units, but, why a change has yet to be made to this horrible defensive strategy is a cause for absolute concern. It’s as if everyone else in the league knows something that Bears Head Coach Lovie Smith doesn’t: that the Cover 2 Defense is Done Here, Buddy. So Done Here.

In somewhat relevant sports news, former Boston Celtics backup point-guard Stephon Marbury has decided to “shut everything down” and not play in the upcoming NBA season. The self-proclaimed “Starbury”–who has played a meager 47 games in his last two seasons–recently spoke to reporters about his decision. Starbury, a native of Brooklyn, NY, cited “empire building”  as the principle reason that he will not play this season. The beleaguered former all-star continued to hypocritically challenge the philosophy of his hometown Knicks, framing the team as a franchise built not  to win championships, but as an organization whose sole aim is “to make money.” The statement came in the aftermath of Starbury’s turning down the celtics one year $1.3 million offer. Apparently, Marbury feels his attention should be on that of his rapidly growing commercial enterprise: “Starbury.” Whether or not you agree with Stephon’s claim about the Knicks’ strategy moving forward, Stephon probably should have thought twice before criticizing the very same objective he too hopes to reify. Starbury, however, did mention that he hopes to rejoin the NBA in the 2010-11 season.

As today is October 14th, I began thinking about  the number 14 and ideas that could relate to this number. After several seconds of deep consternation, I remembered that 14 is the number worn by  Craig Hodges, the three-point assassin who played for the Chicago Bulls in the late 80s and early 90s. To honor Craig Hodges, I present You’re Done Here, Buddy’s newest feature: The Not So Done Here, Buddy.  Take a look and enjoy this truly epic bro production.

Thank you, Craig. Thank you, son. Thank you.

Will the IOC’s choice to make Rio de Janeiro the host city for the 2016 Olympics render a similarly tragic ending?

The lime green jersey sported by the Seattle Seahawks in last Sunday’s 25-19 home loss to the Chicago Bears is absolutely done here.

To learn more about the Seattle Seahawks’ uniform history, please consult the following website: http://www.greenartmag.com/HawksUnis.html

Now … there’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashion roughhouse, but there is just no room for such a game in today’s politically correct world.  STQ: You’re Officially Done Here, Buddy.

It’s no secret that the economy has got everyone on edge. No matter where we go or who we surround ourselves with, we are constantly reminded that the going has gotten tough. Even as President Obama stimulates economic recovery packages in Washington, it remains to be seen how quickly and to what extent we as a nation will recover and stabilize. While the current economic crisis has affected many of us in ways we cannot control, it is worth noting that one area which individuals can control–our own civility–has taken a notable turn for the Done Here, Buddy.

Speaking from my own experience, BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) commuters need to be called out. They are, in my estimation, the worst group of public commuters I have ever seen. Just the other day, I literally stood in awe as a group of roughly seven to eight commuters boarded a train car without hesitation as they prevented a young woman from getting off the train.  Where has the civility gone, my friends? Some fundamental questions need to be asked of these commuters: 1) Why are you in such a hurry to get on the train when the train conductor clearly waits for all passengers to board? 2) Have you forgotten that, in this country, we allow people to exit a threshold prior to entering one? 3) Does your lack of respect for other people make you totally Done Here, Buddy?

BART Commuters, who, unlike their Chinese counterparts, do not suffer from extreme overpopulation, do suffer from a case of being totally done here.

Transportation is not the only area where we can see how “Done Here, Buddy” our society has become. Even professional athletes seem to be losing their Herculean austere and Phil Jackson(esque) composure.

Whoa, Serena. Did you just threaten to kill that helpless Line Judge?

You’re Done Here, Buddy.

I REALLY wanted to reserve this post until the 2009 Chicago Cubs were officially eliminated from playoff contention, but this weekend’s events have left me with no choice but to do otherwise. For those of you that don’t know, Cubs’ General Manager suspended RF and fan favorite Milton Bradley (.257, 12, 40) for the remainder of the 2009 season. Acquired in the offseason on a 3 year $30 million contract, Hendry touted Bradley as the left-handed  bat that would provide balance and stability to the Cubs’  predominately right-handed lineup, which had been swept out of the playoffs in each of the last two seasons. The move certainly turned heads as many Cubs’ fans wondered why Hendry declined to go after a number of available left-handed sluggers such as Raul Ibanez (.277, 31, 87), Adam Dunn (.278, 37, 101) and Bobby Abreu (.295, 13, 96).

While there are myriad reasons (inability to play small ball, no speed, lack of execution with runners in scoring position etc.) and players / coaches (Milton Bradley, Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Zambrano, Lou Piniella and Trainer Mark O’Neal) that are responsible for the total suckage of this year’s Chicago Cubs , these factors speak to the greater ineptitude of Jim Hendry to put together a winner.  It should come as no surprise to Cubs’ fans that  an AGING Soriano is hurt or cannot hit the  curveball. This just in, he’s always been an undisciplined first-pitch fastball hitter.

Alfonso Soriano, like Pedro Cerrano, has a hard time hitting the curveball.

In addition, I could definitely spend an entire week speaking about Bradley’s inability to stay focused during a game or simply hit the ball where the opposing team is not. His performance on the field, however, has provided little margin for his behavioral error and “me first” attitude. But … how is this unlike anything we haven’t seen before? Um, like, hello: this toolbox has been on seven teams in his 10 year career for a reason.

It has been said numerous times  that a select group of PLAYERS  need to take a long hard look in the mirror. The same HAS to be said about Jim Hendry  who has invested  a total of $136 million in Alfonso Soriano, $91.5 million in Carlos Zambrano, $30 million in Milton Bradley and $48 million in Kosuke Fukudome. It is clear that defense has never been a priority for Jim Hendry, especially in the case of Milton Bradley and Alfonso Soriano, but Hendry should have had the foresight to see these problems manifest themselves down the road.  If, as I have stated, defense was never a priority for Hendry, why not choose a player who AT THE VERY LEAST has a proven track record of being a team player with equal offensive credentials? The answer, my friends, is quite simple. Jim Hendry is totally done here.  I’m not quite sure what new Cubs’ owner Tom Ricketts has in store for Mr. Hendry, but it’s pretty clear that I’d rather have the GM from Lou Malnati’s running my baseball team. This guy has set the Cubs up for more problems down the road and, as is the reality, has nobody to blame but himself.