How Done Here, Buddy is it when a conversation between new acquaintances reaches that awkward moment when the only remaining question is, “what do you do for a living?” Perhaps my current employment predicament leaves me feeling slightly more sensitive to such a topic, but I can’t help but cringe every time this inquiry is made. When asked, it comes in the form of terrible desperation. The feeling one gets when asked this question is analogous to the impending doom Odysseus must have felt when Calypso forbid him to leave her island. Wanting to control our own fate, this question reminds us that there is something greater holding us back, disabling us from pursuing our true dream. In this case, that dream is a genuine conversation.  As Harvey Dent so eloquently states, “the night is always darkest before the dawn.” Be strong, fellow life friends. There are brighter  days ahead. We’re all in this together, buddy.

I am writing to introduce myself and apply for the Head Coaching position with the Chicago Bulls. I have no previous experience coaching at the professional level. In addition, I have zero previous experience coaching basketball of any kind. I did, however, score 29 points in a Seventh grade basketball game. It may be worth mentioning that I learned about this opening from Bill Swerski, who is a long time family friend.

I am fluent in written and spoken Mandarin Chinese and Spanish. Having worked as the Training Specialist at the Westin Beijing Financial Street, I have a proven track record of designing game-time strategies whose sole purpose is total domination of everything. While I may not be able to teach the starting five the intricacies of the motion offense, I can guarantee that all bench players will be conversational in Mandarin Chinese by the All Star Break. In addition, I was twice selected as an All-Conference soccer player and voted by my teammates to be captain of the Varsity Soccer team at the Francis W. Parker School.  These experience have provided me with the adequate leadership skills to take the Chicago Bulls to the “next level.”

To schedule an interview, please contact my business manager, Goldstone, on Thursdays and Sundays between the hours of 8:00am – 8:15am EST. Please know that I appreciate the Chicago Bulls considering me as a candidate for this position, and I look forward to receiving your reply during stated business hours. If, for any reason, you should contact me outside the allotted time period, I will be forced to terminate my application with the Chicago Bulls.

Best regards,

Sweater Guy

In honor of Halloween, You’re Done Here, Buddy presents this week’s Epic Bro Production. Enjoy!

Those that know me are aware that I enjoy nothing more than a thick roll of double-ply toilet paper. My love affair with said product dates back many years and can be credited to my mother, who understood that a little extra padding is essential when quelling the aftermath of certain Chicago food items. My affinity for double-ply blossomed during my Freshman year at Colorado College. During one hall meeting, I even orated a formal complaint  to the Residential Life Coordinator that the frail single-ply supplied by the school was not only “not cutting it,” but was also leaving my more private areas dried-up and damaged.

Let us fast forward to modern times where I am basically broke. I woke up this morning to discover that our house  had no toilet paper. The last thing that I wanted to do was withdraw money from the ATM for what would be a meager $1 charge. After rummaging through our collection of spare change, I was able to put together enough money in quarters and headed over to the local liquor store.  While the purchase of “Sunny Toilet Paper” temporarily relieved any problems I may have encountered this morning, I was left feeling fragile and worrisome of the impending discomfort to be encountered during future trips to the toilet. It’s no doubt that the economy has been hit hard.  But … the good lord knows that I spent many a night–on both hands and knees–praying … praying that I would never see the day in which I would support the product I most loathed then and which has become my reality now: a roll of low-quality toilet paper.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this...

This next one goes to all those corporate recruiters out there. Thanks for hookin’ it up. You’re Done Here, Buddy. Done Here!