I am writing to introduce myself and apply for the Head Coaching position with the Chicago Bulls. I have no previous experience coaching at the professional level. In addition, I have zero previous experience coaching basketball of any kind. I did, however, score 29 points in a Seventh grade basketball game. It may be worth mentioning that I learned about this opening from Bill Swerski, who is a long time family friend.

I am fluent in written and spoken Mandarin Chinese and Spanish. Having worked as the Training Specialist at the Westin Beijing Financial Street, I have a proven track record of designing game-time strategies whose sole purpose is total domination of everything. While I may not be able to teach the starting five the intricacies of the motion offense, I can guarantee that all bench players will be conversational in Mandarin Chinese by the All Star Break. In addition, I was twice selected as an All-Conference soccer player and voted by my teammates to be captain of the Varsity Soccer team at the Francis W. Parker School.  These experience have provided me with the adequate leadership skills to take the Chicago Bulls to the “next level.”

To schedule an interview, please contact my business manager, Goldstone, on Thursdays and Sundays between the hours of 8:00am – 8:15am EST. Please know that I appreciate the Chicago Bulls considering me as a candidate for this position, and I look forward to receiving your reply during stated business hours. If, for any reason, you should contact me outside the allotted time period, I will be forced to terminate my application with the Chicago Bulls.

Best regards,

Sweater Guy