You're Done Here, Buddy

Those that know me are aware that I enjoy nothing more than a thick roll of double-ply toilet paper. My love affair with said product dates back many years and can be credited to my mother, who understood that a little extra padding is essential when quelling the aftermath of certain Chicago food items. My affinity for double-ply blossomed during my Freshman year at Colorado College. During one hall meeting, I even orated a formal complaint  to the Residential Life Coordinator that the frail single-ply supplied by the school was not only “not cutting it,” but was also leaving my more private areas dried-up and damaged.

Let us fast forward to modern times where I am basically broke. I woke up this morning to discover that our house  had no toilet paper. The last thing that I wanted to do was withdraw money from the ATM for what would be a meager $1 charge. After rummaging through our collection of spare change, I was able to put together enough money in quarters and headed over to the local liquor store.  While the purchase of “Sunny Toilet Paper” temporarily relieved any problems I may have encountered this morning, I was left feeling fragile and worrisome of the impending discomfort to be encountered during future trips to the toilet. It’s no doubt that the economy has been hit hard.  But … the good lord knows that I spent many a night–on both hands and knees–praying … praying that I would never see the day in which I would support the product I most loathed then and which has become my reality now: a roll of low-quality toilet paper.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this...